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Dear Kid,

This is getting ridiculous. Sometimes I am pretty sure you will have a complex about how you got here. I mean if you’re gonna have a complex may it be that we just loved the shit out of you and were willing to do ANYTHING to get you here.

I’m not ready to go to India and pay cash for a baby that was really some gay couples 3rd they never knew about. Not ready to pursue adoption (YES I KNOW) at this time. Not willing to “code pink” myself into motherhood at work (although I LOVE snuggling babies and getting paid for it). So I guess we’re really NOT willing to do ANYTHING to get you here. But you’re gonna get here eventually, somehow, I can feel it in my bones.

At this point in time (see date on this post) your Pop and I have spent A TON (maybe a medical school tuition’s worth) of money on surrogacy, transferred 4 embryos total and only have 1 left (if you end up wanting to go to medical school and we can’t afford it, sorry about it, but you’re welcome for your life). That last little embryo is on it’s way back to Salt Lake City because the dude who transferred the first 4 cannot come up with anything we can do differently. Like a moody teenager I’M LEAVING in a huff back to our local clinic. The reason we moved all our little embryos out to Chicago was for the genetic testing, which we’ve done. And as far as I’m concerned if I never see Chicago again, it’ll be too soon. The chapter of “anything” in Chicago is officially f*cking closed!

Let’s talk about the “anything” we are willing to do. At this point we could possibly get another surrogate to transfer our last remaining embryo into. We could look at donor eggs. We could revisit the risk/benefit analysis of me carrying.

The surrogate part of this journey has been wonderful beyond wonderful. That wonderful part is Mandy our surrogate thus far. She is now my sister and forever will be. Sucks she’s far away, sucks we had to become close via grief and losing embryos but AWESOME that I love her so much I now have another lifelong friend. Everything she did was perfect and if anyone even thinks blame in her direction I will send you an itch on your butt that never goes away. I love her, I love her husband and I super love her kids… and her parents, and her sisters, and her friends… OK really I love EVERYTHING about her!! At some point you’ll meet her and understand why I would have been SOO HAPPY to let her carry and wet-nurse you.

At this moment we are circling the wagons and trying to figure out in our hearts and minds where we need to go next. It’s a really hard decision involving a lot of emotions and people and data and woo-woo and money and general fortitude. It’s so nice I have so many understanding people that come read this blog instead of giving me the questioning sad eyes, isn’t it? (This is where everyone nods) 

Thanks to your Grandpa Cal I started doing this blog bullshit and now EVERYONE knows ALL ABOUT IT. I really can’t go anywhere without someone asking me with big sad eyes, “How’s the baby stuff going?” However, there’s been some real positives (ok 1) about making this public. Someone came and talked to me about their trials with IVF and I was able to talk them down off a sad ledge or maybe just bring some brightness and ideas into their world. That felt great!

You’ll soon learn your mom is a bit of an oversharer (I really can’t wait to tell your fiancé about that sensitive skin of yours!) and there is a good possibility that I would have told most everyone everything anyway, so we should let Gramps off the hook. But regardless the public side of this, the constant questions of love and concern from wonderful people, really makes me want to eat my own eyes out. I’m an ungrateful jerk and I’m alright with it. (But I super love that you’re reading!)

The other silver lining is that I feel like a bomb-proof tank with a sparkly unicorn painted on the side. Ain’t nothin getting me down these days, not even the election! It’s like a weird Zen state of Brooklyn style posturing in a THAT-ALL-YOU-GOT kinda way. I’ve been through some really crappy yet character building situations that I know will just enhance what a super f*cking awesome mom I’ll be. (Even if it’s to a pack of Pomeranians) Someone told me once that everything I’ve been through has all been preparation for you! (Jeebus help us all!)   

Not sure how you’ll get here but it’ll be great fodder for your “tell all” novel later and really if you’re gonna have that adult neurosis we all have for some reason or another, may as well be out of love. I will say, you’re a lucky little shit-box that’s gonna have some rad experiences in your life cuz your parents know what’s really important.

All my love,

Your Mom

PS That photo is of your older brother Watson, you’re gonna love him! I’m in the cheetah outfit behind him. Lot’s a good people for you to meet! Thanks Brendan Nicholson for taking this photo!