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Once upon a time, because everything happens once upon a time, I got cancer. Don’t be alarmed, I’m doing great now. As you may know cancer comes with a regimen of treatment that is quite awful, my treatment was no different. It was so awful in fact that it would have caused you to be born a toad if I did not take measures to protect you. (Nothing against toads, in fact I quite like toads we just thought your prom date would not approve). Your dad and I, in the winter of 2010, embarked on a journey to get you here healthy and in one piece.

The first leg of this adventure is called IVF, (in-vitro fertilization) and it started with me getting shots in my belly to make my ovaries mature A LOT of eggs. Once we knew I had made as many eggs as possible they harvested my eggs and one by one injected one of your dad’s sperm into each egg. When the little embryos grew to be strong enough to be frozen, they froze them all. Not very romantic, I know, but hey you’re here! Maybe another day I’ll tell you all the really hilarious and super embarrassing stories that transpired during this process, but not today.

For five years we paid rent on the freezer you lived(ish) in. I was told at one point I would be able to carry you in my body and I must say I looked forward to that very very much. However, as you’ll learn, life rarely turns out the way we want it to. At an appointment in June 2014 I was told my cancer was too aggressive to go off the medication I was/am taking, and my risk of getting cancer again would go WAY up if I carried you. I was really REALLY upset by this. Your dad and I thought we would not have any kids because of this. In February of 2015 your puppysister Birdie Mae came into our lives because I needed a baby to love so bad I thought maybe a little dog would fill that hole. She helped me a lot, maybe even saved my life. It’s really hard to deny who you are, I knew I was a mom from real early on and denying myself that felt awful. Being a puppy mom really helped me. Hopefully you will never have to deny who you are in any sense of the term.

For a year your dad and I mulled over this decision to not have kids. At the time we were living in a small 850sq ft house, living off your dad’s income, which was not huge. I was working as a nurse, but not very often. The idea of getting a surrogate to the tune of 80k – 200k was not something we thought was in our realm of reality.

We told ourselves we could be happy watching our friend’s children grow, we talked about moving to Kentucky to watch our nieces and nephews grow up and be involved in their lives. We tried really hard to be “ok” with this plan, but it always felt sad.

Fourth of July weekend 2015 we drove up to Sun Valley to camp with friends. The drive from Salt Lake to Sun Valley is about 4 hours. During this drive your dad and I talked about you a lot. We decided that money was not a good reason to not bring you here. Just like buying a house, it may be painful and seem like a lot at the time but eventually it all works out and the bigger decision was if we really wanted you here, and we already knew that answer. (YES!)

When we reached Ketchum Idaho we were both glowing with smiles because we had made the decision that we would do everything we could to bring you here.

When we got home we handed in our application to a surrogacy agency some friends had used twice (they have two beautiful boys). I can’t tell you about the rest of the process as it’s happening right now. Within the next 2-6 months we will be matched with some saintly woman who will carry you until birth, we hope you get to meet her when you grow up if you want to. It’ll be a long journey full of ups and downs and I’ll do my best to document the process for you so you can read all about it if you ever have interest.

I’m not sure how we’ll pay for it but I’m sure we’ll find a way, the important thing for you to know is your father and I love you very much and so do a lot of other people.

Love, Mom