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I’ve been thinking about what angle I wanted to take in writing about our first attempt at pregnancy. It’s been well over a month and I still don’t have a creative angle so I’ll just tell you what happened.

We’re not pregnant.

Truly that’s it. Our surrogate Mandy did everything right, all her labs and tests were incredibly perfect. Her diet, lifestyle and attitude were spot on, straight A’s across the board! The doctors say even if they thought hard about it, there is nothing she could have done differently.

The only explanation we got was we were on the wrong side of the 50% statistic. The chances of folks getting preggers the “cheap and easy way” are WAY lower than 50% per ovulation so there’s really not much to complain about. Except the time, emotion and money involved.

In this whole process I had prepared myself for this type of thing. As always reality is a bitch when you have to face her, I was not prepared for the feeling of my heart shattering into eight jillion pieces when they told me. I was SUPER not prepared to hear Mandy’s pain. Nor was I prepared to face the bojillion questions from everyone as I’ve decided to make this whole process public (thanks again Dad).

It was quite a mess.

Mandy and I have become real close, I feel like she’s a good friend but more than a good friend… more like a sister. To hear the pain and disappointment in her voice was f*cking awful. I wanted to hug her and support her so bad it hurt.

Dealing with the bad news made the complication of this whole surrogacy thing really REALLY real. Mandy was traveling to Las Vegas for a conference when she got the news and luckily she was with her mom and sister, but not her husband or kids. I wanted to rush to Las Vegas and hug her and cry and buy her a drink or at least know she could cry on her hubby and hug her babies.

Bad news is bad when it’s yours but when you share it equally with another person, like it’s her body, and it affects an entire separate family, it’s a whole different ballgame.

A day or so later we talked on the phone and she said she really wanted to try again ASAP! The timing of another try I wanted to leave up to her, what she went through physically with all the meds and shots and stuff was intense. To hear she wanted to try again as soon as we could was overwhelming. Love love LOVE her!!

After a few days of grief that Magical Unicorn surprised me by showing up in the Salt Lake airport!! I guess she and my hubs Brett had been conspiring for months to surprise me with a visit from her and her super cute mom!

Being with her and her mom was the healing balm I needed. She and her mom got to meet my family, see my garden, feel the air in my mountains! Magical!! It was a super quick two days and we really did not have time to really delve into our feelings a ton but I felt SO MUCH BETTER after being with her. (That’s Mandy and I in the photo on the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird!)

Through this loss I did this really dumb thing, I thought losing an embryo was “no big deal” and since I had “prepared myself” to cope and move on it kinda “blew up in my face”. After a major meltdown on my hubs I realized that it was a big deal. We had lost an embryo, our only boy embryo, a pregnancy, a potential person I’ve wanted to meet my whole life. Finally I sat down and gave that loss the respect it deserved, it was a teary messy space but it was that little boy embryo’s space.

Things are better now, weirdly but a week in Mexico sunning myself and bobbing in the Caribbean helped me. Mandy and Brett also helped me, my family helped me, and my little dog and all my friends and all my coworkers helped me.

Takes a village I guess.

Plan now? Well it’s sort of hard to reveal the plan to all of you. For now I will say we are trying again ASAP which is June.

Some rather interesting and exciting discoveries have been made in regards to our embryos, interesting things I am going to keep to myself for right now. Once we’re preggers I’ll have 9 months to tell you all about it.

I’ll be instagramming about our next transfer as it happens on @resilientbodynutrition

Wish us luck!